New Science: The Use of Bio Weapons* To Prevent Theft of Mobile Computing And Gaming Devices: A Paradigm Shift In Personal Protection.

This just in! I have found a foolproof method (and you must trust me on this one, because a fool knows foolproof) to prevent other members of my family using my iPhone and iPad. All it took was my being in airliners for the past week and catching a streptococcus infection. Yes. You, too, can enjoy the benefits of sole user status of your mobile devices. Simply cram yourself into a giant tin can, loaded with the (often literal) unwashed masses, sit, wiggle around, touch any surface, wait twelve hours, and Presto!
You have yourself an impenetrable barrier for your touchscreen toys.


There's pretty much no downside to it, with one or two notable exceptions.

WARNING!!! READ NO FURTHER IF DESCRIPTIVE BODILY TERMINOLOGY DISGUSTS YOU!!!

The big one for me is that I woke up yesterday gagging on something. Between bouts of wanting to puke and gasping for air, I managed to get a penlight and mirror and look inside my oral cavity. Hanging from the soft palate of my mouth and disappearing behind my tongue into my throat was my Uvula, doing the damnedest impression of a deep-sea Tube Worm. The thing looked absolutely freakish! And it was attached to me. No! It was part of me! I don't know why that dongle is there in the first place, but I curse the maker who gives me one and then allows it to grow to twice its normal size - could have been three times, but there was no way I was going to attempt to put anything in my mouth to measure it.

Additionally, something resembling a kidney was growing out of my pharynx, and it looked like it meant business. It was red and white, gooey and glistening. It seemed to be pulsing with every beat of my now hammering heart. I swear it looked as if it would explode at any moment! It was one of those times when you just have to suck it up, be a stoic, and deal with it. What else could I do?

What I did was call my doctor, who was kind enough to see me right away (benefit of a small town) and who did the strep test. Thirty minutes later, I was on the way to the pharmacy for my amoxicillin.

Now I sit in repose, enjoying my total freedom from thieving paws, able to enjoy as many levels of Angry Birds as I want. I plan to milk this for all it's worth, too. I'm totally legit. Without the aseetomennaf...acetominaf... Tylenol and antibiotics, I feel like Ethan Fromme, after sledding. But with them on board, I feel just peachy.

Long weekend, here I am!


*Technically, strep is not a Bio Weapon per se but it has been known to make people curse like a sailor.

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In preparation for the "Super Moon" as it's being dubbed by the press. Really no big deal, actually. Here's a preview.