Monday, December 31, 2012

After The Apocalypse

Ever since the Mayan Apocalypse occurred and the world ended, I've been feeling kind of low. I was so looking forward to 2013 and beyond, and I have to admit that I'm pretty upset I won't be able to enjoy all the things I had eagerly anticipated.

Like most of you, I'm currently just wandering around in the post-apocalyptic limbo, unsure of what to do, where to go, and which gods to hang with for eternity. I'll admit that so far, things don't seem as awful as I'd expected. Limbo looks and feels a lot like real life did before the apocalypse. 

The house that the Apoca-gods have provided me with is eerily familiar. The stain on my bedroom carpet in this limbo looks just like the one on my real bedroom carpet. The top step on my staircase still has that particular squeak, just like the other one. There's even another ghostly figure wandering about my post-apocalyptic house who looks exactly like Lady Marshmallow, and she insists that I'm still alive and well, although I'm positive this is just a trick to comfort me about the end of the world.

I know because there are sure signs that this is the afterlife. For one thing, Wolfgang Amadeus Marshmallow didn't bring home any dirty laundry from college over the winter break. Dead giveaway! And one of my other progeny, Kevin A. Baconateur Marshmallow, offered me a chair when I walked into the limbo house family room last night. Lady Marshmallow said we should order pizza from the good pizza place, not the less expensive pizza place. She never did that when we were all alive. 

The two Border Collies, Disgrace, and To Your Breed, still bark when the doorbell rings. And when it doesn't ring. And when they think it should ring. And in their sleep. So that's got me a bit baffled. But I'm not fooled. I know we're all actually in the "better place" I always kept hearing about during my life. Because seriously, how could millions of people be wrong in interpreting the ancient Mayan Long Count calendar? Phil Plait's not gonna convince me with his logic and sciencey-talk, dammit! I'm dead and nobody's going to convince me otherwise!

But just in case I'm mistaken and someone alive actually reads this, go ahead and leave a comment so I'll know. Because 2013 could be pretty cool and I'd hate to miss it. 

Thanks a heap.


  1. Meep, still alive and well in Tuna town. On the countdown for Sheldon's wedding, next Saturday.

    Bridezilla abounds. Help.Me.

  2. The post-apocalyptic limbo seems to be working for me so far too. We're still eating crappy pizza here though.

  3. Now you've got me wondering whether blogs exist in the afterlife. I was assuming dead bloggers would be able to communicate telepathically.

  4. @Mrs. Tuna: my best wishes for a wonderful wedding.
    @dbs: I had a feeling we'd all end up eating crappy food post apocalypse. But even the pizza? Damn.
    @gorilla: maybe we are communicating telepathically and we don't know it? Thanks for dropping in and commenting!

  5. Clever post.
    Maybe we have been living in the post apocalypse all along?